Sympathy, in the Dictionary, is Found Somewhere Between Sh*t and Syphilis
Choose empathy over sympathy because you care.
We all know the popular phrase, “I don’t want your sympathy!”
When someone expresses sympathy towards someone else it really means that they are glad it’s not them. Saying, “I feel bad for you” does not help the person and usually makes them feel worse. This is why many say that in most cases sympathy fits perfectly in the dictionary between sh*t and syphilis.
Just ask my wife, if you dare.
I learned the hard way what the difference was between sympathy and empathy. My wife would often get very upset with me when I would sympathize with her when she was doing what she called, “venting”. She would rebuke me and tell me that she was only interested in having me listen to her. I struggled with this because I grew up thinking that if I expressed a similar experience it meant I understood what she was experiencing. This may be the case but I believe that most people prefer empathy over sympathy.
How about my mother?
I was talking to my mother about the title and she “sympathized” with it by telling me about her experience in the hospital many years ago when my sister died. Many nurses and hospital workers seemed to line up to tell my mother a story of something similar that happened to them. I realize that they thought they were doing the right thing but my mother had just lost her daughter and merely wanted comfort within what she was experiencing.
Walk a mile as they have to understand from their perspective.
We have all heard people say that we can’t understand what someone has gone through unless we walk “a mile in their shoes”. This is what I think of when I think of the word empathy. When we figuratively walk with someone we try to understand what they are feeling and not what we are feeling about what they are going through. Feeling empathy for someone has nothing to do with what we feel. I have learned that this means we pay attention to and really listen to the person we are empathizing with. Listening is the key component and by far the most difficult one. Empathy is listening, really listening. Empathy requires the one empathizing to not be tempted to say, “I’m so sorry,” or “I can relate,” or any comment that starts with, “at least…” We need to just be quiet and really listen to the point that we are walking as they are.
How do we respond empathetically?
Asking for clarification or accurately repeating what you heard is empathy. I have found that a good strategy is to repeat, or mirror, what you hear by saying something like, “ I heard you say…, is that accurate?” Anything interjected that is from your perspective is sympathy.
Sympathy doesn’t work for me when I’m in pain.
So, from my perspective, sympathy is not helpful when someone is feeling pain or going through something. unless sharing fish stories is the purpose of a conversation. I could be wrong but the only form of sympathy I believe is helpful is when we feel similarly with regard to opinions or tastes, such as being a fan of a sports team or politics. Sympathy is a sense of approval, loyalty, or support which is great but I don’t think it appropriate to use the word if someone is grieving or suffering. This is why I am perplexed at the thought that sending a “sympathy card” is appropriate.
What exactly is sympathy?
I “Googled” the word sympathy and the first definition that came up was:
1. Feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune.
“they had great sympathy for the flood victims”
Let’s just say that if I have just broken my leg and in excruciating pain, the last thing I want to hear is someone standing over me feeling pity and sorrow and telling me about the time they broke their leg.
Sympathy essentially says that the one expressing it cares more about themselves than the one they are expressing it to. This may sound harsh but I very much dislike someone saying, “I remember when the same thing happened to me” or “I am sorry for your loss”. I know it is very difficult to find the appropriate words but I know that, from my perspective, that these hollow responses are not helpful. I strongly believe that a good response comes from the heart echoing what the person is going through rather than making it about us and competing with them. Just listening and being there matters.
In this regard, I can see why sympathy is located where it is in the dictionary.